Seeking Clarity

When we break through denial and confront the fact that our loved one has an addiction to alcohol or other drugs, we open the door to the possibility of change. But initially, we’re apt to be overwhelmed by fear and confusion. Unfortunately, confusion plays right into addiction. The more confused we are, the more able they are to mislead and manipulate us.

Addiction causes physical and psychological changes that alter the way addicts think. In their compulsion to continue using substances, they become masters of the “3 Ds” – Denial (I don’t have a problem.); Diminishment (It’s not a big deal.); and Deflection (You’re the one with the problem. You’re crazy.).

We listen to what the addict tells us, and we begin to doubt our own perceptions. We question the evidence of our own eyes. I remember seeing a bead of blood on the back of my daughter’s hand one night after she had sworn up and down that she was no longer using. It was obviously a needle puncture, but when I asked about it she said, “Oh, I brushed my hand with a cigarette.” I knew it wasn’t a burn, but part of me thought, Maybe…

My confusion at that moment was a retreat into denial, because I honestly didn’t know what to do. What I didn’t understand was that it wasn’t up to me to do anything. As it says in Nar-Anon literature, “Your role as helper is not to DO things for the person you are helping, but to BE things . . .” I could have simply stated the truth as I saw it – that it looked like a needle mark to me – and left it at that. But it took a very long time for me to understand that the best help I could offer my daughter was to maintain my own sanity and reflect it back to her. To do that, I first needed to find the courage to clearly see what is.