Facing Reality

We often hear that addiction is a disease of denial. In the early stages of their growing dependence, budding addicts tell themselves that things are “not that bad” and “I can stop whenever I want to.” If confronted about the situation, they flatly deny that they have a problem. Even when faced with catastrophic consequences, active addicts will deny that their drug or alcohol use has anything to do with their problems. Only when something cuts through the denial is there a chance for the long process of recovery to begin.

But what about the friends and families of addicts? How does our own denial play into the disease of addiction? Quite simply, our denial facilitates the progress of the disease. I myself was a case in point. In high school, my daughter exhibited all the signs of substance abuse: loss of interest in favorite activities, falling grades, a new set of friends, evasiveness, and frequent mood swings. Amazingly, I never suspected substance abuse.

When she was in her early twenties and living with a boyfriend, I met her for lunch one day and noticed a bunch of scabs on her arms. She told me they were some kind of rash and the doctor wasn’t sure what had caused it. Another time I was helping her move and saw that she wore a sweat-stained, long-sleeved shirt despite the sweltering heat. I didn’t ask why. There continued to be signs that something was seriously wrong. But I tried to explain away my daughter’s difficulties by telling myself that she had emotional problems, relationship problems, financial problems – anything except the obvious answer: my daughter had become addicted to heroin.

The years of my own denial enabled her disease to progress unchecked. Only when I was finally forced to face the reality of what had happened to her was I able to try to help her. For the most basic way to help our addicted loved one is to embrace reality. When we let go of pretending and instead face what is, we no longer prop up our loved one’s denial. Instead, we can challenge it and crack open the door to the possibility of change.