It’s
said that control is the flip side of fear. When we’re afraid that disaster
will strike, we want to seize control and hold on for dear life. Ironically,
the harder we fight for control, the more chaotic things can become. This is
especially true when we try to force our will on others.
I
remember a time when almost every conversation I had with my daughter ended in
anger. In my mind, she was the one who was being unreasonable when she lashed
out against my advice or refused to answer my questions. I knew that she lied
and kept dangerous secrets from me, and I was frustrated by my inability to
break through and show her the light. I guess I thought that if I shouted and
nagged enough, I would make her see that she was throwing her life away.
But
the harder I tried to control her, the more she resisted. We were locked in an
exhausting battle that did neither of us any good, until I accepted the need to
let go of her problems and put the focus on myself. That was the beginning of
my recovery.
I
stopped challenging her on every suspected lie. I stopped offering unwanted
advice. I let go of trying to solve the inevitable problems her addiction
created. I started being clearer and firmer about my own boundaries. And when
conflict with me was no longer a convenient excuse for her problems, she was
left face-to-face with the consequences of her own choices. That was the
beginning of her recovery.
