I didn’t know where my daughter was.
At 23, she claimed to have moved in with some friends. But I hadn’t heard from
her in days. No one answered the door when I went to her apartment, so I drove
through the dark streets of her run-down neighborhood, hoping to see her.
Finally, I spotted her car parked
along a curb. A dim streetlight showed a back seat piled high with possessions:
blankets, clothes, a plastic makeup case, a tattered stuffed bunny she’d
received for her fifth birthday.
Panic swelled in my chest as I
returned to the apartment. This time, lights were on and a young woman reluctantly
invited me inside. She stared at the floor as I asked about my daughter. After
a long pause, she admitted that she had kicked her out. Then she looked at me
curiously. “Do you know your daughter’s a heroin addict?”
My knees buckled. The floor heaved.
More than 15 years later, I can still feel the life-altering shock of that
moment.
Yet, looking back, it’s hard to
understand why my daughter’s addiction came as such a surprise. All the signs
had been there for quite some time. Only ignorance and denial had prevented me
from seeing what was so painfully obvious — just as ignorance and denial had
blinded me to her experimentation with substances as far back as elementary
school.
I’ve learned a lot about addiction
since then. I’ve learned about detox and overdose and rehab and relapse. I’ve
learned how addiction can take hold of someone and not let go. I’ve learned
that the way back is a gargantuan struggle, and that many recover, but some
never do.
Most of all, I’ve learned that
knowledge is our best defense against the scourge of addiction. These are the
things I wish I’d known before my daughter became addicted:
1. Addiction can happen in any
family. It seems incredibly naive — if not
downright smug — but there was a time when I believed my kids were immune to
addiction. They were too smart. They had a good upbringing. They were good
people. But I didn’t know that none of that matters. Some people are
susceptible to addiction the way some are susceptible to heart disease or
depression. Researchers believe that genes account for about 50
percent of a person’s vulnerability to
addiction.
2. Addiction has a mental health
component. People with mood, anxiety, or conduct disorders are about twice
as likely as the general population to develop substance-use disorder,
according to
the National
Institute on Drug Abuse. For those individuals, substances offer
relief from emotional pain, a way to “self-medicate” that’s profoundly
compelling. Many addicts — including my daughter — describe an “inner
emptiness” that existed long before they began using mind-altering substances.
3. Environment plays a role. Pop culture exposes our kids to countless images of drug
and alcohol use. Many kids have been offered alcohol or other drugs by age 13.
And kids who have seen their parents drunk are more than twice as likely as
other kids to get drunk in a typical month and three times likelier to use
marijuana and smoke cigarettes, according to the
National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse.
4. Early substance use correlates
with future addiction. The
organization Shatterproof found that approximately 80 percent of people who are
currently addicted began abusing substances before age 18. One reason for kids’
vulnerability is that the prefrontal cortex — the area of the brain that
governs judgment, problem solving, and self-control — doesn’t fully develop
until around age 25.
5. Addiction damages the developing
brain. Substance abuse hinders the
development of the prefrontal cortex, creating long-lasting problems with
decision making and impulse control. It also short-circuits the brain’s reward
system. Using alcohol and other drugs becomes the only way to experience
pleasure and avoid pain.
6. Addiction erodes morality. As dependence deepens, dishonesty flourishes. Lying becomes
second nature. If confronted about their problem, addicts will deny (“I don’t
use drugs”), diminish (“It’s not a big deal”), and deflect (“You’re an awful
mother”). To support their habit, many turn to stealing and other crimes.
7. Preventing addiction begins at
home. Parents can’t control every choice
their kids make. But they can reduce the risk of substance abuse by teaching
kids about the damaging impact of addictive chemicals on their health,
relationships, intellect, and goals. Parents can clearly express their
expectations and define consequences for breaking those rules.
8. “Typical” teen behaviors can mask
chemical dependence. Some of the symptoms of budding
dependence are also seen in “normal” teens: moodiness, rebelliousness, and a
pronounced need for privacy. But some things warrant a closer look, including
bloodshot eyes or enlarged or pinpoint pupils; changes in appetite or sleep
patterns; unexplained agitation or lethargy; impaired speech or coordination;
loss of interest in school and activities; sudden change in friends; use of
incense or room fresheners.
9. Substance abuse requires swift
action. Physical changes in the brain make
it almost impossible for kids to stop using substances on their own once
dependence sets in. Parents who suspect that their child is abusing should seek
professional help with the same sense of urgency with which they would seek
help for any other life-threatening condition.
10. Shame is the enemy of prevention
and recovery. Addiction has long been viewed as a
sign of weakness or immorality. Yet science has clearly shown that addiction is
unrelated to character. And even the most attentive, conscientious parents can
raise kids who end up addicted.
Shame makes it harder for kids to
admit their problem and for parents to confront it. But blame and shame have no
place when it comes to addressing addiction. Instead, it should be recognized
for what it is: a serious mental health condition. Prevention is the best
strategy. But when prevention fails, swift, effective treatment can limit the
damage and set addicted kids on the road to a healthy life.